Random Thoughts

Why are things not permanent..well at least some things..The present set of people you know..give 5 years time..only a handful of them will be with you sharing the same laugh..the same drinks..the same conversations that you share today...sometimes even when everyone is around you...in reality no one is around..no one whom you can call your own..someone to share out those inner most feelings that you had kept safely hidden from all eyes to pry upon..

For a guy like me,people see the laugh..the smiles..the parties..the adventure..but no one see's the tears..the hollowness..behind that same face. When we were children..the world was so colorful..everything was one more..one more chocolate..one more game..one more toy..one more movie..things were either meant to be or not..complications were little..girls and boys were friends (not the one with benefits but the one you can count upon).

School ended and the vices of this world creeps in..more freedom..more fun but in a way you never imagined before..Girlfriends..parties..and what not..drinks took the place of soft drinks..cigarette took the place of candies..sex took the place of hugs..and as they say life got fucked up..

Sometimes in life in midst of all the crazy shit..one day you sit back and contemplate..things you could have changed..words you could have taken aback..studied a bit more..made life a bit worthwhile..but then you realize you have no one by your side..

maybe its the drink that make me write shits like this..but one thing terrifies me all through the night when i see a frail old man lying all alone on a bed..with no one by his side to mourn his death..and it makes me think..is that the way i want to leave...!!

One Rainy Afternoon

Monsoon in Calcutta is not a very formidable climate; people have their own ways of liking and disliking it in the city of joy. The young schoolboy was happy for missing his school and sat all day in the hope of playing indoor games. The workman was not happy because he would be even more late today, his boss would scowl at him; work was heaping on him; the muddy waterlogged streets would make it difficult to cross without getting dirty. The lovers were depressed because their plans of visiting the local park where lovebirds usually flock, was ruined by the ceaseless rain. The lonely lover was quite dreamy comparing her love's beauty with the rain ,sitting by the window thinking about telling about how much she feels about him. The mongrels in the market were cursing the rain of spoiling the day's business. The wife was smiling while cooking the lunch thinking that her husband shall make love to her tonight. Everything was in its own way but the rain poured down on the streets, the lush green fields, the small lakes causing ripples.

Deb was strolling carelessly along Esplanade with his dirty white umbrella pushing among the tide of people in the narrow lane outside the metro station, the lane was full of vendors on both sides, selling various merchandises like T-shirts, watches, books and all sorts of cheap wares. He was not interested in any of them because he had visited the place a numerous number of times. He did not have much money, he was here for his tuition class which was near Rabindra Sadan station only 3 more stations later. He had skipped his tuition class, which he was bored of attending the weekends in the afternoons and going back home at 9 pm. He did not quite like the way his life was, he was a student of 12th standard and his parents were busy trying to make him understand the importance of getting admitted in an engineering college due to which he was admitted in this coaching which took a handsome amount of money and promised his chances of getting admitted in the IITs.

He has lately got his first girlfriend only a year ago who was also his classmate and was now rather enjoying a nice nap back home. He took out his cellphone from the pocket while balancing the umbrella between his head and shoulder. He was disappointed to see no calls or sms. He once thought of calling her but then put it back, he kept on walking looking at the shops at the people. Along the road the cars speed-ed their way through and the sky above was hopelessly gray as his mind. He had no plans of returning back home so he continued his journey on foot, pushing the crowd, sometimes getting partially drenched. He had no idea where to go, he did not have enough money and also had to spend 7 hours alone. However he was smiling thinking about the cuteness of her face when she is asleep. This feeling was enough for him to keep loitering about any street of the world even among the restless rain. For this was the feeling of first love for a young schoolboy.

It was weekend and it was afternoon for Avantika, she was studying in a Bengali medium school in std 11.She lived in another part of the city. She was a lively girl and after her lunch was over she was sitting at the window listening to the tender sound of the rain droplets falling on the pond in front of her house. She was humming a Kishore Kumar song, it was her favorite season. She was born in this season. She was thinking of her boyfriend whom she loved ,though the various incident that urged a quarrel between the families because it was their age to study not to love. In typical middle class Bengali families it happens sometimes. But the charming part of it was the secret meetings and talking on the phone secretly even amongst the tightest surveillance of the parents. She knew whatever happens nothing can break her determination of her love for him. These things didn't matter to her, she was waiting for him to call her as soon after her parents would be asleep. This wait was more romantic than anything in the mind of a schoolgirl.

Then the city was different for them and they did not know each other and did not have the slightest hint of ever meeting. But as even the season changes so does the people. The monsoon went away from the life of both these people. But once again this year the skies are more darker than before, it seems the raining is going to be more stronger this year. Love like clouds seem to have captured the lives of all the passerby in Esplanade, this part of Calcutta seemed to be poured down more. No one knew why except the couple strolling down with the dirty white umbrella held high and pushing through the crowds of  people. Both were dreamy maybe thinking of themselves or maybe of the monsoon a couple of years ago when they were strangers.

Dev whispered in Avantika's ears "I love the rain it makes you look more beautiful."

She spoke slowly looking into his eyes "I love you too."

And somewhere among the crowds they disappeared but the grey sky did not disappear. It was raining now as it had rained for years, for centuries making people remember of afternoons they are not supposed to remember now.

Its a Wonderful Life

These days the rain god is playing such a cruel game of waiting with us mortals here in Pune. First he sends in those big black dark clouds which makes you excited about the possibility of getting drenched. But then clouds just stay there without doing anything. Makes you feel like a lover who had been made to fill with the excitement of spending the night with his girlfriend only to realize all medical shops are closed that day.

Talking about lovers suddenly brings a laugh on my face. I had the fortune of meeting with many people, girls and guys, single and couples and each one of them had their own set of plights. This always makes me realize girls and guys are so different when it comes to handling each other.
Situation 1: A girl asks a guy how I am looking in a new dress. Am I looking perfect? The guy without thinking blurts out yes baby you look so perfect in this dress. Fits you like a dream. The girl asks am I looking fat. The guy says not at all love. The girl says but I think am looking fat. The guy still in the no brainier mode says yeah I guess you are looking a little fat. The girl replies you are so insensitive.

Here what the girl needs to understand is we guys follow a straight curve. When we mean you are looking good you are. It’s that simple. The moment you throw in an extra variable, an extra question mark we tend to get confuse. Then we tell you the same thing you want us to say to you.
The guys need to understand that in no circumstance should you ever say your girl is looking fat even if she is on the verge of busting out of the tiny dress she is wearing. Saves a lot of troubles..:D You must understand a girl will pressurize you to speak out the very thing she doesn't want to hear in the first place. You must not succumb under pressure.

Situation 2: A girl asks a guy after an intense round of love making what am I to you. The guy replies you mean everything to me. The girl replies can you see a future with me. The guy replies lets enjoy the present. The girl's mood goes from oh babe to shoo off faster than split of a second.
After an intense round of love making, girls should understand the guy is all tired and wants his chance at taking breath. At most he can handle normal conversation about the lovemaking instead of the heavy discussion of future, relationship and all.
The guy should understand girls love to talk after love making. It’s in their genes, you can't take that away. And they try to bring up those heavy discussion about future and relationship right after the lovemaking because they feel we are the most vulnerable at that time. Try to spend at least 10 mins in talking even if don't feel like.

Situation 3: The girl asks a guy after 3-4 months of staying together when are we getting married. The guys goes blank. The girl goes into sulk mode.
Girls should understand every guy goes numb upon hearing the word marriage. It’s not like we are insensitive or we don't want to be with you. But then somehow the word marriage makes our world go topsy turvy. It’s like our whole notion about freedom comes crashing down. You should proceed with let’s take our relationship to next level of love. Let’s get engaged or something instead of straightaway come to the word marriage.

Guys should understand girls want commitment after being with you even for a week. It’s in their nature, you can't help it. They feel like having a sense of security with you which they give the name of commitment. You may try to run hard away from it but eventually you will have to give in to the word commitment. And about marriage, you can stall it but can't avoid it. Eventually you are going to die..:P

Situation 4: The girl says to a guy, I feel like meeting you tonight, we will just talk and spend some time. The guy gives some excuse of being late in office. Next time the girl says i feel like making love to you tonight. The guy makes it even if it was raining hell or cats and dogs. The girl goes bonkers.

Guys should realize there are times when a girl feels like just talking to you or say maybe watching a movie together cuddling up. Not every time it’s going to be bang bang kiss me mam. Even though we guys are born with high levels of testosterone all the time, but sometimes we need to cool off.
Girl should realize guys are just not made for talking. Yeah they will do the small talks and all but ultimately their hormones kicks in. It’s the way they are made..:P

There are many more instance I could give about how different girls and guys are from each other. But then the above situations are very frequent.
Girls feel guys are very insensitive. Guys feel girls are very nagging. Girls feel guys are selfish. Guys feel girls are dominant. All these things together makes a girl and a guy unique. If this was not so guys would had been dating guys and girl would have better dated girls.
So all the guys and girls who don't like each others habits, fighting about rights,expectations..give it a break and learn to accept each other as the way they are. After all am sure that there are more things to love about each other than to fight for..:D

So keep on loving god’s most amazing creations. Guys and Girls..!!

The child inside me..

Age is catching up on me..yet the confusions of life is ever increasing. Sometimes i feel like picking the bag and leaving these known shores..known faces..and go into the unknown shores..meet some unknown faces..be somewhere where i am not known..

When i was a child..i wanted to grow up..wanted to be like the adults around me..all responsible..enjoying their freedom..doing what they felt like..while i was being held back by my parents authority. But now after crossing the threshold of so called adulthood, i feel even more shackled..more held back..by some invisible bonds. Though am free from the authority of my parents..i feel those days were the best. Being an adult has only increased my confusions four fold..at least being a child i was less confused about things..about people..about the relation i had maintained with those people.

When i see small child's pressing their faces on the windows of the cars which i pass by, i feel what stops me from doing so..is it because adults are expected to behave mature..to behave in a sensible way. But then what is the use of being such adults if you can't do what you feel like doing. In this case the children out there are far more lucky than us..everything for them is a new thing, a new world without thinking about how other people would perceive their doings.

People say there is a child inside every one of us..which wants to come out. We all have those phases when we feel we are bored of being adults. But with me..i feel the child inside me never left me..i hate to pretend to behave like an adult..all responsible and mature..planning things in advance about future. When i start thinking about the expectation of people around me after getting married..being the husband material or the father material..i shudder. I grew up thinking being adults would be all cool and fun..being free..living life on your own terms..but here everything is just the opposite.

People say to me..neither you look or act your age..you are not responsible..don't know how to prioritize things..don't know how to plan for your future..don't know how to save up..act childish..Thing is i have never know what growing up meant..i am the way i was through my school..through my college..

If only i could rewind my life back..but there is no pause or rewind button in life..it only moves forward..

Wish I was back

It was a little after 5:30 in the evening in Calcutta. My mom was out shopping for overpriced silver at New Market. Grandma's trying to put my niece Meera to sleep. Little Meera's trying to do everything possible to fight it.
And I'm thinking.

I'm thinking of the years I grew up here.
In this house.
In this para.
In this city.

I remember for instance going to salt lake and back, all in 22 bucks. Add another ten bucks for the cheap Charms I used to smoke. And another 15 bucks for the bloody [red] noodles I used to eat at gariahat.
Those days all the attractions that came with it were fully paid for under a hundred bucks a day.

At the most.

Love, for me was a matter of habit back in those days. I dated indiscriminately, and I fell in and out of it shamelessly. Pleasures were simple. A movie at Maidan maybe. Perhaps lunch somewhere economical and lonesome afterwards. And if my parents weren't home, maybe even a little hookie.

Good times.

I remember with a smile, the boat rides by the Ganga, and shooting balloons with an air rifle. I always managed to hit the coin. Haven't done either for ages now.

A couple of months back, I was on my roof with a mug of beer in my hand, enjoying the lovely winter sun. Occasionally, I smoke when I drink. And that day was one such occasion.

I was drinking and smoking and looking at my house.
Well, okay Grandpa built it in 1955. But if all legal deeds and taxes are to be worked out, it's safe to say that a small portion of this house is mine.

It felt nice to be on the roof of a house I own.
Never felt it before, surprisingly when I was living in it.
And perhaps, if I didn't have to fork out an amusing sum of money as rent every month for a house I didn't own, I wouldn't feel it even now.

For a minute there amidst all this over emotional thinking, I wanted to come back.
Bag, baggage, job.

But then that moment passed, and the probing mole inside me took over. And it asked me, in a tobacco drenched throaty grunt of a voice,

"If you loved this goddamn city so bloody much, why the fuck did you leave?"

And then, it all came back.
Like an avalanche of vomit, the reasons hit me one by one.

I left because of the lazy people here.
I left because of the quicksand of politics here. A quicksand of people trying to pull you down.
I left because people here are actually happy with an increment of 500 bucks a year.
I left because I don't like mediocrity. And mediocrity is unfortunately, all I see around me here. Till now.
I left because I wanted more.
More than this city could ever hope to give me.

I live in Pune now.
People say I've become a Pune-Boy. I hate it when they call me that.
But sometimes I can't help but wonder if perhaps they're right.

I'm far more confident now.
Sometimes a little too much.
I have a okay job.
I earn okay, I guess.
I get taken to expensive clubs and restaurants by my cousin and friends.


Slowly, I've joined this club thousands have been and will always be a part of.
A club that is torn between two cities.
A city that gave them seven buck egg rolls, cricket matches at the Maidan, peanuts by the lake and culture by the road.
And a city that gave them the cars, the houses, the bank accounts, the job satisfaction and the cosmopolitan life all of aspire to have.

All of us in the club frequently tell ourselves we'll come back.
Next year when we get married.
Calcutta is good for married life.
It doesn't happen.

So year after next.
When we have a kid.
Calcutta has the best schools.

Doesn't happen.

And so it goes, the promises to return and the excuses not to.
So here we are, coming for a Durga Pujo, coming for Christmas, coming for bhai phonta.

Coming to relive those old streets where we grew up.
Coming to have ten phuchkas for twelve bucks.
Coming to spend some time with family, relatives and family.
Coming to have a beer and a smoke on the roof our house.

Soon, we'll go back to our Bombay's and Delhi's and Pune’s and Americas.
And while driving our air conditioned luxury car to work, we'll tell ourselves in a whisper,

"Next year, we'll go back to Calcutta for good."

Last walk of Life.

A cell. Walls in a shade of grey. Some parts of the paint peeling off. A tattered rag. Kept in one corner. Dusty in a yellowish shade. A man. 6 feet 1 inches. 210 pounds. 35 Years. Straight hair. A mixture of grey and light shade of brown. Beard. 2 days. Unkempt. A half t-shirt. White and black stripes. White trouser. One size bigger. A number. On his forearm. 555. His name. Doesn't matter. His identity. The number on his forearm.

A guard. Tall. Muscular. Stands with rapt attention. Outside the cell. The man calls out. Asks for the time. 3pm the guard says. Goes back to the rag. Sits down. Legs crossed. Stops. Lies down. Arms behind his head. Stares at the ceiling. Memories. Seeping into his mind. Memories that took shape and remained with him. Memories that couldn't be wiped out by the grey walls.

A laughter. A tad higher on the shriller side. A girl. 19 years. Black hair. Long. Shoulder length. Pink Skin. Oval eyes. Pink lips. Sweating. A water droplet. Inches slowly. Over the curved navel. He couldn't get enough. Turns her over. Starts again. Her ears. His tongue. He nibbles slowly over them. Faint whispers. Heavy breathing. I love you. She tries to tell. The words come out in spaces. Moans. Long night. First time. He makes love.

Changes.Another laughter. another day. Another girl. 24 years. Perfect hourglass figure.Hair. Jet black. Almost like a flowing river. Whitish skin. Round eyes. Lips to bring life into. White gown. Smiling. Its his wedding. Happy. Dreamy. Long drives. Small arguments. Open roads. Open souls. Intense love. Passionate sex. Motherly care. A distant memory. Another lifetime.

Then a boy comes onto the picture. 2 years old. Droopy eyes. Chubby nose.Little fingers entwined into his own. Support.Laughing as he flaps his wings. Like a gust of wind on a rainy day. Runs around. A tear. Drops slowly. Eyes still closed. More memories seep in.

A dark picture. Somewhat hazy. Sound of cries. Death. 3 children. Blood covered. Red everywhere. Black. Automatic. i10. The windshield broken. A star radiates out from one side of the screen. Mind still distorted. Beer and vodka. Playing tricks. Intoxication. Roads blur. 10 years ago. A lifetime.

A knock. More like the bells of judgement. Opens eyes. Slowly. Comes out of memory trance. Looks. Guard knocking on the bars. Gets up. Mechanically. Stares. Guard nods. Time. Waits for none. 10 years. Each day a reluctant walk. Thinks he could turn back time. The faces stares out from behind. The smiling girl. The small kid. Eyes. Questions which he had no answers.

The final walk. Remembers. Robert Frost. Miles to go. Before I sleep. No more miles left for him. Smiles.

Silence is Over Rated

You really kissed her?"

Gorky was staring at me.

"Yeah. I did"

I was in my room. Gorky had come over to take some songs for a presentation that he had to make.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS ? "



I looked at his face. There was shock and glee all over it. Reminded me of Marie biscuit with jam. Why? I don't know. I sat there for a minute. Staring at his face. I thought about what he was thinking. I couldn't fathom it,really. Gorky had one of those faces which was unreadable.

"I am."



Gorky started laughing. He grabbed a pillow from my bed and threw it at me. I caught it. I looked away to my computer screen, trying to avoid his silly theatrics. He jumped up and down on the bed like a girl.

I wanted to smile.

My computer. Music (E:) Led Zepplin ( Select) The Doors (Select) Copy. My computer.

Gorky(H:) - Removable disk Songs. Paste.

"What else do you need?"

Gorky came over, sat beside me, and looked at my selection. I could smell expensive DKNY on him. He quickly took the mouse - Linkin Park ( Select) Copy.Paste.

"Done"! He smiled. His vampire teeth showing out.

He sat back, and looked at me. " Tell me. The full story."



We were walking back together. It was late evening. She was texting while walking. I had to remind her that its difficult to continue conversations with her if her attention is always on the phone.She kept back the phone in her pocket. She used to smile whenever I used to quip about her little quirks. She threw her head back, and brushed a long strand of hair from over her eyes. Defty taking out a clip from inside her purple handbag, she whipped up her hair in a neat ponytail in a matter of seconds. Inside her room, while watching an episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S - I kissed her.

It wasn't really well thought out. It was very impulsive. Very rash. She leaned across me to reach a cup of coffee on the table beside me. Her face passed by an inch of mine, and I didn't lose a second in touching her lips with mine. For a second, I thought she'd pull back. But she didn't.

We kissed for almost 20 seconds.

Then,slowly, we broke apart. A few strands of her hair had gone into my mouth. I took them out gingerly. She sat back on the bed, looking at me strangely. She then calmly took a sip from the cup. I looked away immediately, embarrassed.

"So. You like me..?"

She asked this question after 10 mins. Or maybe, it was almost immediately. Time has a way of f#$king itself up when you want to keep count.

I turned to look at her. " Yeah. I do."

It took me a long time to say this. But I guess, I had to. Sometime or the other, I would have to. She became thoughtful after that. She was probably thinking of what to say next. I was still thinking about the kiss.

We didn't talk for the next hour. I played temple run on her iPod. She went online.

At 7:30, I got up to leave. " Leaving..?", "Yeah. Have to be home by 8.", " So I'll see you tomorrow..?"

Tomorrow.?

I don't remember whether I said that aloud or not.

"Yeah. I'll meet you at the City Center, we'll go from there at 10."

I smiled and left.



Later that night I got a text from her. 'Whatever happened today -  I hope you'll keep this just between us. I don't want anyone knowing. I hope you understand. I mean it more for you, than for me.'

I stared at the text for a very long time. I didn't have dinner that night.

Gorky was silent. Silence is overrated.

"So. You did kiss her?" " I did."

There was pause.

"WOW"

He was listening intently all this while. His phone had vibrated twice in the middle of the story, and he didn't even look at it. A rarity.

Safely removed Disk. I handed him his external hard drive. He stood up. Near the doorway he turned.



"I won't tell anyone about this."

I smiled. "I know you won't Gorky. I trust you."

There was a hint of pity in his eyes, as he turned and left.



There was an eerie silence in the room as he left. And I thought again. Silence is definitely over-rated. I went to the mirror. I wiped the mirror with a piece of cloth. I had used the same cloth to wipe the kajal off my eyes...!!!